BEcoming A Mother …
My whole life, I idolized my mother. She was my world, my best friend my staunchest supporter. I dreamed of the day that I would be a mother; be like her. She would watch me, advise me, be proud of the daughter, the now mother she raised. I dreamed of becoming a mother just like my own mother.
However, life rarely works out the way we plan. It surely did not work out the way I planned it would. My career fell neatly into place. I had a cute little apartment and was able to live on my own. I met a wonderful man, a man I began to plan a future. Everything seemed to be working out perfectly.
Then the unthinkable happened, my rock, my mother became sick and died. My world went into a tailspin. I rebuilt, I was never the same, but I continued on. Now clinging to the idea of motherhood even tighter. Becoming a mother, would bring back what I lost.
We married, he wanted a baby right away, I was practical and said we had time to wait. I thought we would wait until we’re settled, have a house, have money. They came and with them the burden and anxiety of the middle class suburban life. Now that I was ready, he needed more time. Like every marriage, we hit bumps, but after digging deep, working hard and fighting through it. We figured out our marriage, our way and decided finally together, now is the time. It was time to have a baby, but again, this is not how our lives worked out.
We tried. The early months were let downs, the later months were heartbreak, the first year was devastating. After two years, I began to plan the future I didn’t want. The future without children. We could make it work; we could be the couple who travels, who keeps moving, who lives for one another. Once I began to accept my new life, my unplanned life, it changed again. I became a mother.
My daughter did not become a way to remember my mother or a re-connection. I thought she would help fill the missing part of me. Becoming a mother was so much more than that. She gave me purpose. She turned me into the person I was meant to be. The birth of my daughter did not bring back the relationship I lost, she became my meaning for life.
Becoming A Mother
A mother is the most important definition of who I am. I am many things: a wife, a sister, a teacher, a friend but the fire that drives my soul is motherhood. Becoming a mother made me the person I was meant to be.
If you liked this, consider reading I Will – A Mother’s Love is Eternal.